11.24.2009

no extra charge for awesomeness

i just watched this Russian movie that was by far the most heavy-metal thing i've seen since Legend. it had all the trappings of your standard wizards and warriors type pic but with a new spin on things. definitely less "by the power of grayskull" and more "tonight we dine in hell." but basically the entire thing was like a storyboard of heavy-metal album covers.

i'll break it down for you, as i don't expect any of you will actually watch it. but if you will, spoiler alert.


our hero is a solid bad-A with a pet bat, he's called 'Wolfhound.' he's an escaped slave and looking for the man that killed his parents and his entire clan. and he travels with an girl and a blind wizard that he saved from prison.


as if it couldn't get any better, he becomes the body guard of the princess, who also has the key to setting free some kind of all-powerful druid demon god.


so this guy is after her, and consequently the plot thickens, because he is also the guy who wiped out Wolfhound's clan. he's also known as 'The Wolf' (hence Wolfhound), because he and his followers have wolf tattoos, (vs just being called something like 'Skull-head'). oh and, at one point in the movie Skull-head's hand gets chopped off and he gets a new METAL-HAND! and is even more unstoppable.


then there are random characters like this, who looks a whole lot like the Virgin Mary, but isn't. the overall visual theme of the movie is very pagan. she's just some lady that apears to Wolfhound and gives him magic dust.


such magic dust comes in handy when you're fighting the fog-monsters, and you've taken shelter in a mini-Stonehenge (but bigger than a mini foam 10-inch Stonehenge). if you've run out of options, make the rocks glow.


but most metal of all is the climax. Wolfhound has already been mortally wounded in the fight to defeat Skull-head, but he still has to fight the unleashed druid demon god (that's a pretty sweet rock tornado thing). he calls on the gods of his clan ala "sword of Odin give me sight beyond sight" and "excuse me while i whip this out," out comes the powersword.




Wolfhound saves the day, uses some dust to heal his wounds. Scores the princess.


and pet bat takes the cursed druid-demon-key to dispose of it somewhere over the rainbow.


SA-WEEET!!

1 comment:

Tyler Vance said...

Sick. Love to watch it with a plate of nachos, a twelve of coke, and an array of halloween swords so we can pause for sparring breaks as needed.